Just keep swimming....

Yesterday

This week i hit the 8wk mark at the gym. That means its time for an assessment. I'm feeling great. My skin is clearer, my hair isn't dry and my body shape has changed. I can wear clothes from my cupboard that didn't fit or suit my shape before. I can feel my body firming up from inside and I'm really firm on my feet. I'm in my happy place and i feel on top of the world.

The results of this assessment however did NOT reflect the way i felt ..I have gained weight!! Just under 2kgs. My waist is down 2cms and my body fat percentage is down slightly but everything else is bigger ....I'm only talking a few millimetres but still, bigger!? So my Gym Guy and I talked about what to do next, he was very concerned and confused for me. He knows I've been trying hard, I've been there almost everyday since i started. I was utterly heartbroken and it was pretty obvious. We discussed me filling out a food journal and he will write me a new program and check that I'm pushing myself hard enough or at least, the right way.

On the way out of the assessment room, i ran into a Mother from Sean's kindy. Last year she was my weight and she, through the gym and watching what she eats, has lost 30kgs. She looks fantastic! You would never guess to look at her. She knew what i was there for and after I told her she gave me a quick pep talk. She's told me her story before and reminded me that it took her over 8weeks before anything happened and then it just started dropping away, she told me not to give up and gave my arm a friendly pat. At this point i nearly lost it. I turned to walk down the stairs and saw my Gym Guy was waiting, watching us, listening to us. I felt embarrassed by my results, sort of humiliated which left me feeling really sensitive. Watching me as i trudged sulkily down the stairs he smiled but tilted his head with a concerned look. (he had THAT look guys get, at the wrong time, you know the one that says, oh no, is she going to cry?) Now there is nothing nasty about this guy, he's great but to be honest I got  a bit defensive, "What?!" I snapped at him...oops. He just said unfazed, "I can see your upset, we'll sort it out". I couldn't comment i was this close to losing it. I just politely smiled and silently followed him to the front desk to make an appointment for next week, to start anew...

I couldn't face the gym after that, i was just too low. He went into the staff room and I grabbed my shit and bolted for the door. I just couldn't do it. I passed him on my way out, he saw me too. Shit. He yelled goodbye after me and i yelled back but didn't stop. When i got into my car, i let go...

Today

Today i started anew, I've had my sulk. Get your shit together and keep going, don't give up, that's how you got here. I was a little embarrassed to see Gym Guy after my little spat and sook but...what are you going to do? I'm not running scared, I love this! I feel great, I'm happier, I have guidance, motivation and support all around me. My body is waking up from a 10yr Coma, I have a lot of work to do.  I don't want my girls to think this is ok to be this weight, it has affected my immensley.

For lots of reasons, for lots of people but mostly for me and for my kids....I WILL do this.


THIS IS A MARATHON NOT A RACE!
thanks Kate and Steve xx

Addictive Personalities?

I am no Doctor and i won't pretend to be. But. I think its fair to say, throughout the generations, various family members, have suffered from addictive and (dare i say it?) dark personalities. Lately,in the last 3 months. I feel the darkness creeping up on me. At THAT time of month.  I have been spiralling deeper and darker with each passing month. It has made me question everything about my life as it stands. Doubting everything i have and everything i've done. I thought i was really lost this last month. It really scared me and I think my husband.

Thank fully, I have paid attention to those loved ones around me, who have suffered our lovely family history of, er, mental stabitilty.(Yes, sarcasm at play) and I know I have an addictive personality. But. I have vowed NOT to follow in anyone's footsteps. Since my Son was born I have changed alot and as he is now aware of what goes on around him, I have changed even more, for the better. I am setting out a new path for my children to follow. I will not drink, I will not take Drugs and if i need help, I WILL ask for it.

I have discovered the Gym. I have been before of course, but not like this. This is different. If i can make this my addiction, then i know i will be safe. I feel great after going, bubbly even.  I'm no going just to lose weight, though of course it is a goal. I am going to make myself stronger and fitter and happier and its already happening. Having the 3 kids, it is giving me an opportunity to have some time to get into my own head and think.  I think it will help with that darkness i feel tapping at my shoulder. So far, it is helping us...very well. Jonathon has joined now too and it seems to be making him much happier too. We are talking about the future now and trying to sort out new goals for our new lifestyle.

A New Chapter......

Easily Forgotten

Sometimes its easy to forget just how important those who are involved in our lives really are. Its easy to forget that pain of loss when they pass. Maybe because its a pain we try to let go of. Its easy to forget to have compassion and patience and understanding for someone who is suffering so much from the loss of their loved one. My friend lost her husband, who was a great friend of mine 4months ago and I can't even begin to explain or understand the depth of her devastation. I am Thankful to him, for bringing her into my life. Proof that good things can come out of a bad situation, she has become a good friend.

I came across my Goodbye/Eulogy for my Aunt. I talked about her passing in a previous post Life and Death and seeing as Tuesday was her birthday (she would have been 57) and I was thinking about her, I thought I would share it.  Our beloved Donna passed away 1yr, 3months and 11days ago.

I will always remember Donna smiling, when I picture her, that is what I see.  She’s dancing, smiling and laughing.

I am so grateful for the memories I have:
I loved to hear Mum and Donna recall family holidays and other random memories; it was so funny to me because it’d be a lovely trip down memory lane until they each remembered a significant moment very differently and they would start squabbling about it and end in a huff of frustration. There would be silence for a moment and then they’d look at each other and end up laughing.

I loved to hear her laugh; it was so infectious somewhere between a cackle and a chuckle and always ended with a sigh (almost an instant reflection of what had made her laugh).

Donna lived around Charters Towers and Mt Isa when I was little and I only saw her maybe twice a year at Nanna’s.  When she moved back to Brisbane I was about 17yrs old and Mum was excited to have her sister back so near, we would see her regularly, when I got my drivers license I would visit often  and we grew close and became good friends.
I’ll always remember that you could talk for hours with Donna and never run out of things to say I always enjoyed our talks and now realise just how important the many late night conversations we had around the dinner table were. She was a walking encyclopaedia and I learned something new every time.

I remember sharing her first holiday with her with her new caravan at Kingscliff and how proud and excited she was. It was like she had the world at her feet.

Mum and I often spoke fondly of Donna, Mum always said she would give you the shirt off her back if you needed it and she was extremely generous and supportive, there was nothing she wouldn’t give or do to help out, and if she couldn’t do it, she’d find someone who could. She would always fight for her family and for what was right, no matter what it cost her.

I called Donna sometimes just to talk and catch up but always to share my big news and she would share my excitement, She was always present at family get togethers and important events/milestones in our lives, I always looked forward to seeing her because to me, she was always the life of the party and it will be very difficult not to have her around, her presence will be missed.

Let’s remember Donna for her Love and friendship. For her laughter and her funny sarcastic sense of humour , for her generosity and for her spirit.

Donna was my Aunty and she was an awesome Aunty but also a great friend one of my best friends and she will be missed, we will all miss her.

I still cry for her, I still long for her. Sometimes i get really angry about it. But mostly i just feel that void She's left in my life. I've lost my confidant, My Mother has too. This relationship can never be replaced so that pain of loss will always be there.
But, I have learnt from this.
Appreciate what you have.
Don't hold a grudge, people make mistakes
Apologize, Admit you were wrong, again, people make mistakes
Have patience while people try to navigate their way through their stuff, sometimes its just really hard going.
True Friends ARE just as important as family.
Fight for your friendships when times get tough. Don't just walk away. If they matter to you, fight to be heard.
Sometimes nothing can be said, when you don't have the answers all you can do is listen. That's the most important thing you can do. Be there.
Love them and tell them you love them (family and friends).

Music for the soul

Music is definitely a big part of my life. Much like my children it simply lights my soul. When i was a teenager to a young Adult writing songs helped me work my way through the big issues i was facing in my life at the time. So much raw emotion to work through. I'm not sure i would've made it out the other side without it. What can't music do? Make you happy & sad, make you laugh and cry. Help put into words the inexplicable feelings we all sometimes have,  and create memories that will always stay with you. Music is always there to keep you company.

Since i met (or started dating) my husband my tastes have been extremely widened, he has a mountain of CDs. Other than the chart releases i had never heard Nirvana for example. Most of it is pretty good. I spent much of my misguided youth listening to, dare I say it? Boy Bands.....*CRINGE*. So i've come a loooong way. I grew up with such daggy music, i didn't have a chance and popular music was the biggest form of rebellion in our house.
You should see our CD tower now. It is massive and we still have piles everywhere. I think we need to get rid of them but there are so many memories there. Lets be honest. CDs are a thing of the past.

 I am glad to see my love for music has definitely been passsed down to my children. Seeing Sean's head (4) nodding along, to "appropriate" songs of nirvana and a little AC/DC (compliments of the Iron Man movie). I think, he is already way ahead of the game. He has a little guitar just like Daddy's that he likes to get out and strum on like a rock star. I can't wait to get him some lessons.

Our twins, particularly Summer love to groove to music. Its funny watching a 15month old dance. She just stands there and bounces at varying speeds, Lily just smiles her massive smile and claps and laughs along. I wonder how music will influence their lives. How it will help them.

What have you noticed, that your children have got from you?

School Holiday

I am really looking forward to these school holidays. I love having my kids beside me. They are good kids and i enjoy being with them, I'm just used to it i guess. I'm sure by the end of the second week i will be the first person waiting at the front door of my Son's kindy ready and eager to hand him back in for the 6hr break, as we all know, 4yr olds have well developed their own minds.
With next year hanging over my head, i guess i'm anxious to spend as much time with him, doing as much fun and education things as possible. 
I'm busy researching low cost/free activities for us to enjoy together. I have a few ideas. Might head to the dinosaur exhibit this week and I always wanted to take him to the planetarium or the science centre, he loves learning about space and perhaps a steam train ride.....perhaps. As a 4yr old boy he loves all things, Superhero, dinosaurs and trains. I have also mapped out a few parks i might visit with him. What are your plans for these School Holidays.
Check out this website if you're stuck for ideas. Its great.
http://www.brisbanekids.com.au/

Choosing a School??

Choosing Schools Sucks!!!!! Up until this point, it has always been easy choosing where my Son will go. I have always had good guidance. But what do you do when the guidance takes you somewhere you can't possibly afford?? We can't afford most of the private schools especially when we will have two more there in three years. Most private schools around the area come in at $5k per year in the beginning and go up to $16k by the end and that's just NOW! I've also been informed that those prices rise by 5% each year.
The public schools in our area just simply SUCK! I have been on forum after forum researching and discussing in person with every parent i have ever met in the area since my Son was born 4yrs ago. One school is full of violence, neglectful disciplinary issues, over populated and completely mismanaged and the other i've heard only one bad report about a teacher calling the kids nasty names and no one has taken any action against her....yes, HER! Also it just makes me uneasy, it always has. It's so exposed and so danky looking...how do i go against my gut instinct when its all i have to protect my Son?
We are totally and completely without religion so that doesn't help us make any decisions. I do think its important to learn about religion but which one? And do i want it shoved down my Son's throat before school, before lunch and at home time? I honest feel like i'm going insane. I want to bury my head in the sand...but i can't,

Its all about him. Its all for him

What if they ruin him?

Don't worry, I know i am sounding Crazy right now. I AM on information overload.

Am I over thinking things? How do you choose a school that is right for you?

Sentimental Attachments

Isn't it funny?..The sentimental attachments we develop for our possessions. For me, in this particular case, it was my Nanna's dining table setting. My Mother recently told me that Nanna bought this table second hand when she was young, sanded it back and did it up.....hmm, must run in the family then. I didn't know that little tid-bit originally. My mother and her siblings grew up around this table and then me, my brother and cousins also grew up around it. I remember crawling under it and playing through the weirdly angled legs when i was really little while all my Aunties and Uncles congregated above. My Poppa would sit at "The Head" of the table, as was the custom and My Nanna would sit on the side and I would always try to score the seat between them, to enjoy Nanna's Cooking. We all know Nanna's cooking. It is the best. I remember my cousin used to tell her, "Nanna, you make the best tinned spaghetti." and he'd get this silly grin on his face. It sounded so nuts, we'd all laugh but she had that little extra touch that made everything taste better. She really was a great Nanna. When i scored that wicked position between Nanna and Poppa, i remember Poppa would always distract me, he would tap me on the shoulder, "Look, Whats that over there?" he would say and point across the house. When i would look, he would pinch all my yummy baked potatoes. It would take me a few seconds but when i clued on, i would look at him and he would be silently laughing just waiting for me to click on......Its just such a fond memory. Cheekiness is definitely a strong family trait and it comes from BOTH sides of my family so I never had a chance.
Anyway. Sometime after my Grandparents had passed, I, thanks to my mother was lucky enough to gain possession of this table. We were just starting out and really needed a dining setting. All the memories came flooding back and i was so sentimental about it, it was surreal that it was in my house.
A few years has passed and the sentimental novelty had worn off, a few chairs have gone and the ones that remain are not being used anymore because they are so uncomfortable. The angle from the chair to the seat was 90deg and they were rock hard. We decided we needed a bigger table and decided to sell it. We bought a new, much bigger table and suddenly had a huge storage problem, I checked with my family and it was good to go. so I put it up for sale. SOLD! Ok, finally we will get some space back i thought. The guy comes to pick it up and as he loads it into his car, I lost it. It crept up on me, i wasn't even thinking about it. But it just crept into my thoughts as i watched him tying it down, "that was my table, I grew up around that. My mum did too", and i just cry.
Look i'm not some insane whack job honest. Let me make this clear, i wasn't on my hands and knees begging the guy not to take my table... Screaming out "Whhhhyyyy, Why did i do this!!!??" It was a silent trickle of a few tears that just crept up on me, i said goodbye to the guy and went into the backyard. My husband came out, having heard little sniffles and asked me what was wrong. I just looked at him and laughed. It was a touch embarrassing i'll admit. He just realised on his own and gave me this look like OMG (you know like when you're caught crying in a movie). He reached out a pulled me over and said, "Come 'ere you little shkip" and gave me a hug and rubbed my back...Yep i know, I'm a sook. Right Here. That's ME.
I still have little reminders of my Nanna here. The Rocking chair in the twins room, we use to calm them at night, some costume jewellery, all my pots and pans, i call them "Nanna's Pots" and i think about her every time i pull one out to use and thats almost every day. I like it that way.
Now we have OUR table, one we chose, we can fit 8 comfortably, 10 at a squeeze. Now we've started making our own memories around it. We had our first sleep overs on the weekend and woke up to a house full of people. We made chocolate chip pancakes for all the kids. It was lovely to have a full house in the morning.
But once again, isn't it funny, The sentimental attachments we develop for our possessions?

The Little Things

Lately, i've become all too aware of how much we, in our house, rely on the television for entertainment. In the last 10years, i have become a total lounge lizard. I'm pretty sure i've said in a previous post. I HATE MY COUCH. Maybe its because its not the right couch for me, we bought it for looks at the time and didn't really think about the comfort of it. Maybe its because we (my couch and I) have become too close and our relationship has soured. My family and I are starting to really enjoy the outdoors again. Starting to come out of our little cocoon and socialise. I am so lucky where I live. I have a lovely quiet street with great neighbours that we get along with and sometimes hang out at the end of the day, we help each other wear our kids out for dinner and bedtime. The girls have finally become big enough for a helmet which pretends to protect them in their little bike trailer. Seriously? Baby helmets need a.......re-model.

We I have become completely addicted to riding. I am beginning to ride everywhere. Now we have borrowed our neighbours bike trailer and are just about to buy our own. Sean is big enough to ride his bike by himself (with us) all the way down to the lake or up to the shops where we live. I'm finding our relationships are improving since we've started taking time AWAY from the television. Conversation has reappeared, patience for the little ones and interaction is growing too. The girls are starting to really interact with Sean and he is so happy about that. We had so much fun on our first ride, we rode up to the shops for Hubby's paper, then down to the lake for a coffee and for Seany to have a play. Then on the way home, we stopped at the park for a little break and a bit of a reward for Seany's huge ride. The kids had a blast...So did Daddy and of course it makes my heart flutter when everyone is happy.

It means we are doing our job right. Right?

The truth about Twins

Since the Twins were born, people have said to me, "I don't know how you do it." Or "I couldn't do that" and when they notice i had a 3yr old (at the time, now 4yr old) they looked like their eyes might pop out of their heads. "Gaw, he must be a handful too, how does he cope with the Twins?" I felt a little angry and insulted they would judge my little man so harshly, defence mechanism i guess. At first i was always replying, with a smile "Its fine, its not hard at all, the twins are so easy all they want is each other and they are completely content and my Son just adores them and helps me out heaps" Well,  whilst it was true, we all know it takes a little more than that, a clean nappy, a full tummy and some little distractions always help out. BUT I always knew it wouldn't always be so easy. So my reply slowly changed to, "No, its fine, they are all great, its not hard at all......Yet, I know the hard times are coming"

Here They Come!!

Sean has turned 4 and is now at Kindy. The attitude, the tantrums, the ownership of.....everything. Well, enough said.

Summer and Lily are 13months and both walking now. Very exciting times but i am hesitant in my excitement...I know whats coming....This afternoon I walk into the quiet loungeroom and this is what i found.

THIS IS MY ANGEL, LILY

Summer was asleep, thankfully otherwise she would have been standing in the draw giving Lily a shove to make room for her, i think.

WE HAVE CLIMBERS PEOPLE....TWO OF THEM! CLEVER ONES! I am in for it now.

Our yard is pretty big, so all of our stuff is nicely spread out. We have our patio and then in the corner of the yard we have a timber fort with a swing, in the middle a plastic baby playground with steps and a slide, then and a huge trampoline. My parents very kindly donated their old pool lounges to us which we've set up under the patio on the pavers (My husband believes I can SIT on them to WATCH the children play) P-F-T Yes i hear all you Mothers out there laugh hysterically and scoffing at my husband in disbelief...He comes up with some great ones. Now. My actual plan with this time is to wear the KIDS out so i get a nice quiet evening to myself once dinner and bathtime is done.

 A few weeks ago, we were enjoying our outside time in the afternoon.  I was chasing Summer and she was crawling away from me like lightening, laughing her little head off, she found her little pusher and started walking around the yard. Lily was playing with the water table, which is under th patio and Sean was climbing his fort. I had a moment of calm and my attention wandered off with my thoughts, then i came back. I was walking across the yard and I looked around to find that Lily had climbed up onto one of the pool lounges and was happily and wobbly walking the length of it and Summer was making her way up the steps of the baby playground halfway across the yard. My brain just switched into panic mode OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, how did this happen?! S**T I need to be split in 2. Who do i go for first??!

Imagining, Lily falling off head first onto the pavers (which she actually looked like she was about to do) and at the same time, Summer falling from a higher height head first onto the grass. OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD ARGH! Then I hear Sean, "Mummy, come push me, Mummy! Mummmmmmyyyyyyy!".

"Errr, Um, I can't right now Seany" I said looking from Summer to Lily. Trying to Sum up which one to go for first.

"But....Mummyyyyy, Why???? I want you to push meeeeeeee." you know that really annoying whining but somehow demanding voice they put on.

Then i shift from panick to NINJA STEALTH MODE. WHAAAA, I ran over and scooped Lily up by her belly in my right arm and I kept running to get to Summer just in time to scoop her up as she takes her first tumbling step down the slide. I took a few steps away from the playground and placed them both on their bums and keep walking to Sean to push him on the swing...PHEW. How did that happen so fast. That situation changed in like seconds. I looked back at the girls sitting on the grass happily babbling to each other...A wave of relief washed over me. That wasn't so bad...right.
So. If this is the beginning.........help?

The only certainty in life......

This morning a very close friend of the family, lost his battle with cancer. Its been a long haul for him and his loved ones. Only a few months ago he was cleared of all the cancer and given a clean bill of health. Then it quietly and ferociously return, spreading all throughout his lungs and stomach, no fighting it this time. In the end, he drifted off peacefully and painfully. Surrounded by his Brother and Wife, listening to his favourite songs. He actually passed away earlier this week but his wife got into his bed to say her goodbyes and he came back! She got 4 more days, the power of love hey?
I remember him out boating mostly, laughing heaps and having heaps of fun, i looked after his younger boys alot, i adored them. I remember him quite literally throwing me around the dancefloor at tipplers and boat haven. I remember him taking me for a burl on his motorbike, late one afternoon, he went so fast and we had no protective gear on, i squeezed him so tight while i screamed my head off right into his ear. It was SO MUCH FUN.

I am so thankful we reconnected with him for my father's 60th a few years ago, we had a few years apart and we had always missed him. He was an awesome guy to be around. I will remember him as the loving, funny, generous and very fun man we all grew to know and love. I will cherish the memories always. I only hope our relationship with his family continues. All his Son's just mirror him, in every way, they are great people to know also.

My Passion

My Passion, other than my family, is finding an old piece of furniture and making it my own. The more "well loved" the better. There are little pieces of my heart and soul in every room of our house.
I know i get this trait from my mum. When i was little my room was full of unique things she had hand made and i loved every bit of it. I kept it all in excellent but well loved condition until it was time to get my older stuff.
I find while i'm working on these projects, I also give myself a little time while i'm on autopilot to think. Really think about the big stuff. Where I'm going, What I want, although today my head was a broken record thinking about one thing over and over. Anyway, this latest project of mine, i'm pretty sure is the biggest and most testing one ever...I have always loved the Kura Bed from Ikea for my Son. Everytime we go through there he climbs up into it with no regard to the perpex guard covering the ladder. We are always on a pretty tight budget and i could never justify the amount for what it was, really? Its pretty...well...ugly. So I started looking on eBay. Found one, bought it and much to my disappointment, when i got it home realised the panels were water damaged and there were gouges, deep scratches and dents all over the timber. After a little planning, some new MDF, heaps of sprays cans (I wouldn't recommend for this project) Months later. I finally finished it, tonight. It was totally worth it.
My little boy crawled into bed and told me,"I love my new bed Mummy" and gave me a huge smile...He calls it his Transformers Bed because it is Optimus Prime colours, God love him...again, totally worth it.

Now they are 1!

So, one very busy and hectic year has flown by and my babies are 1, I can't believe it.

Time really does fly when you grow up hey. We've just finished the girls birthday party and it was great. It was a little overwhelming, the playground and blow up pool got a hiding. But the kids all seemed to enjoy themselves and that's what its all about after all.
After enduring horrific toothaches over the past 3 days, (due to the pain killers i had taken over the last couple of days) i was scattered and shaking this morning as i tried to get everything underway. A lesson there, i've learnt the hard way. My dear friend helped me ice and decorate the centrepiece of the cake for my little "Cupcakes" as i call them, because i couldn't pull myself together to do it. I am very happy with the end result.

Its been ages since we've had a get together. I think it was a yr ago. It was great to see everyone. Its a shame we need an event to all get together now....Can't wait for the next one....at someone else's place.

Kristy xx



Finding my Bliss

My son has just started Kindy, he's so proud and he loves it.  2days one week, 3 days the next week. I actually prefer the 2 days. I miss him.....i know, next year will be worse, starting Prep. I love being with my kids.

Watching my Children interact with each other...watching the Twins develop. As Twins and as Individuals and watching my Son's face glow when he's with them. Summer has just started waving and saying hello, she waved at him today and i'm pretty sure his heart skipped a beat.

As i mentioned previously, all my concerns about having Twins did fade away and if i had my choice in the matter, i wouldn't change a thing. They have changed my world. I AM the happiest i have ever been. I am completely smitten with my children, i've noticed i just can't pull myself away from them, I can't stop watching them, studying them. Is this normal or am I alone here?

Okay, so maybe i'm sounding sickly sweet so don't get me wrong, my life is NOT perfect.
I am alone alot, i mean without adult company. I am currently working very hard to develop new friendships and new routines. My friends and I (as they say) are living on parallel lines. While we have the love and adoration for eachother and a strong history which i believe at this point helps keep us together, we are all Mothers and have a hard time getting together. I find it very difficult to make new friends, I find it very hurtful when i reach out and am ignored or brushed aside like i don't matter. I know people are busy but seriously it takes ZERO effort to respond these days. You don't even have to pick up the phone. Maybe all this autonomous technology makes people forget to consider actual real life human feelings. I am outside my comfort zone here, I don't have a thick skin, by any means. I rely on my parents alot, especially my mum, not for help alone but for sanity and companionship, it took us a long time to get here, but we're in a really great place, she is the Nanna to my children, that i remember having. We talk almost everyday. I couldn't live without her. My husband is on afternoon shift and as such we are like ships passing in the night. With little money, few friends available for a visit and twin bubbas to look after, I find myself trapped on the couch...I HATE MY COUCH! I've become a little exhausted from wanting to do things, wanting to go places.

So today, i got off my arse.

The girls went down just before i took Sean to Kindy. Hubby was home. So i dusted off the joggers, got my iphone and headphones and went for a walk. A fast walk...without a pram. It was so freeing, I was soaring, I was in my own headspace, with my own music. I found that spring in my step. I needed a bigger hill to climb, what always seemed so big i conquered so quickly, it was great. I had so much energy when i got home. I hope i can do it again tomorrow. Actually if i can work it right I can ride my bike to Sean's kindy, we have a child seat on the back of it for him, i don't think we've ever used and on Thursday, i am starting Zumba. I'm so looking forward to it, i LOVE Zumba, i was doing classes when i found out i was pregnant, I was going to continue at a steady pace but then i found out it was twins and i couldn't do it anymore. A daytime class, while my husband is home to look after the Twins. Yes!

I can feel the change already. Watch this space.

Kristy xx

Life and Death

As soon as I was aware and in my own room (with my husband) I was able to properly meet my girls, I promptly pulled their (double) hospital cot to my bedside, I looked in at them and stroked each of their faces, one at a time. It was then that it occurred to me that I had asked for this. I remembered that when I was a little girl I used to look up to the sky and ask God for twins….Huh… Funny.  I couldn’t bear to just look anymore, so… (against Doctor’s orders)I scooped them both up. One in each arm, I leant back into my pillow and just studied them… they were so small and peaceful. I immediately fell in love. All of those worries and concerns just melted away, how silly was I. They were so beautiful, just perfect and now I had to find distinguishing characteristics so I could tell them apart. There was the tiniest difference in the shape of their ears and their heads were a different shape but only just. I realised early that I couldn’t rely on that alone, what about photos? (And I have a handful now, looking back on, I don’t know who is who). Colour coding and specific clothing is the only chance I have at this point. So we know in all the hospital pics, Summer has the pink hat, Lily has the White. I never wanted to dress them the same anyway, I always thought, they are different people and I’m sure they will like to know who is who in photos in the future. I thought why would I buy two sets of the same clothes, what a waste of money. But as it turns out, with my “specific clothing” system, I’m buying just as many anyway.

As the Mother of Twins, let me tell you, there is NOTHING funny about the thought of mixing them up. NOTHING. AT. ALL. For those people (and you know who you are J) who say, “Wouldn’t it be funny if…?” Umm, NO! The very thought of it makes me anxious, to me, it would mean I’ve failed them. Maybe a little melodramatic, but a part of who I am is; I think a lot. About everything, every little detail. Imagine you went to pick up your child from daycare and you didn’t know who she/he was. Don’t you think that would be hurtful to your child? You’re their Mother. Mothers are just supposed to know. Moving on…

When my Son came up to meet them he was all smiles, his little Sisters had finally arrived. He knew they were Summer and Lily and when he found out they had bought a little Action Chugger with them, just for him, he was taken, hook, line and sinker. My Mother looked after him while I was in hospital and my husband continued to work. There was no need for him to take time off work, he wouldn’t be paid because of the awesome place he was working at, at the time (now where’s that sarcasm button) and he couldn’t be with me at the hospital all the time anyway. I would need help once I came home. Mum said Sean never let the Action Chugger go, it was with him at all times. How sweet is that?

As it turns out I came home a little early, I think it was the 4th day after the C-Section. I was fooled into thinking I was more mobile than I actually was, due to the hospital bed helping me get in and out of bed with all its lifting and tilting. So, when I came home, (and Sean did too) I needed my Husband to bring me everything,  from water to the twins, to pull me up off the couch and help me back down, same with bedtime. Seriously, it was ridiculous. He cooked, he cleaned, he washed, he tended to all the children and he took every request and just did it for me.  He even completely organised our Son’s birthday party which was 1wk after the twins were born. (We felt Sean deserved a little extra special attention at that time). I was in awe of my husband just taking the reins like that. He was smitten to say the least. We were (and still are) deeply in love; we have a wonderful little boy that just lights up any room he’s in and two little angels for Daddy to protect. I’m so happy right now, I think my heart might explode.

But ALAS…

As MY life becomes full and happy and I slide into a blissful state of contentment; two months fly by with visitors from interstate coming up to meet our new editions and secure plans for a secret birthday celebration we would be attending interstate.  A very special and close someone falls into a deep and dark spiral of depression.  It went so fast and full on. We knew there were ongoing issues, we’d tried to help with, but we didn’t know the full story, we were all told different pieces and when we were all brought together that is when we realised it must have been far worse than any of us had thought. When someone falls into depression and adds medication and then alcohol. There is nothing you can do or say to reach them. That is my experience. You can only be there to listen when they want to talk and be there to help when they want support and hope and pray they come through the other side. We couldn't reach her.

It was strange when it happened. We are all usually scattered to the four corners, but on that eve. We were all in town, we all had dinner together, she called to check in and I stayed over with the kids. I NEVER stay over. The call came early in the morning and I woke to the news a little later….devastation and disbelief consumed me. It never occurred to me that this could happen. To us. To her. She was so full of love and joy and excitement, she was so kind, I loved her so much, WE loved her so much... I had to cancel my lunch date and I think I texted it, I couldn’t speak yet. It was a whirlwind after that. Family and planning and memories and pictures everywhere. Disbelief and pain was in everyone’s face.

My two very dearest friends accompanied me to the funeral, to look after the babies, to hold my hand, to watch me (make sure I was okay) and just to be there for love and support. They knew her, they knew what she meant. I tell you what; you know you have some extraordinary and irreplaceable friends when they just sit with you…for that. I did sit with my Mum though, we needed to be together for this…A few eulogies were given, then I got up and gave my eulogy…I just felt if she was looking down she needed to know how much she was loved. I wanted people to remember who she was, not who she became…That is an important thing to remember. I never spoke at my Nanna’s funeral and I have always regretted it, she was a great Nanna and I never said it. I knew I loved this woman just as much but I really knew her and I was going to say it. Out Loud.

At the end of the funeral, we each placed a flower on the coffin. The service ended and we left the church. I looked around, I was surrounded, I had my relatives, my parents, my closest friends, my husband and children with me. I was thinking, It’s okay, I will be okay, we will be okay. We will always miss her, always miss her presence. Always feel her absence at any gathering. How could we not, she WAS the life of the party. She was always the first person I looked for when I arrived at any family gathering and now she is gone. How could you not miss that person?

I think it is much harder to let someone go when you know they didn’t go because of natural causes. It’s been almost 10 months and I still miss her every day, I see the girls do something and I think, she should’ve been here for that, I should’ve been able to call her and tell her about it…I should be able to tell her how much Sean loves his Sisters and tell her about Sean’s first day at Kindy.

I should’ve grabbed the phone that night and told her to come home, to come be with us…I thought about it at the time, when she was on the phone but I just didn’t. She never met them. I can’t change that.

I HATE REGRET.

I will continue to remember, love and miss her but In the end, we all move forward; and we are. I am very fortunate to have three beautiful little distractions to focus on, a wonderful hubby, an excellent relationship with my parents and the closest friends who are like Sisters to me. I know I am loved and I know how lucky I am to have the people I have in my life.

xxKristy

Continued....

I called my parents and told them, its a funny thing, my Mother had told my Father she thought we were going to have twins, such a random thought, maybe something to do with Mothers' Intuition? She was giggling like a school girl when we told her. She was so happy, its indescribable.

My Mother In Law was much the same, She told me she was sorry to have laid the "Crain Curse" upon me...As it turns out, i always knew my father in law was an identical twin, but that was all I knew. NOW THE TRUTH COMES OUT. As it turns out, HIS father's father was an identical twin and his sister also had identical twins. (As i tell the Doctors this, they all say its not genetic.....yeah ok, there's alot of coincidence here).

I called my nearest and dearest friends, I said,"i am 6wks and 3 days"
"oh yeah not far along" they say.
I continue, "AND 6wks and 4days"...utter silience follows on the other end of the phone. Then the penny drops, I get a shrill and excited, "WHHAAAAAAAAAATTTT.....OH MY GODDDDD, YOU'RE HAVING TWINS!!!"theres a bit of squealing and laughing as the conversations continue. Now my excitement was kicking into gear and my fears started fading to the background.

When i got back to work i had to tell my Boss. "Its Twins!!" She was ecstatic for me, congratulating me and then i hear, "The Guy" laughing at his desk, he'd overheard me. And when i turn to go to my desk he says, "haha told you....do you know what they are?"
"No, not yet." I replied
"Haha they're gonna be girls" he says.
I smiled and said "Shut up! Don't wish that on me, you've done enough, wishing Twins on me".

A few weeks later My parents came with me to the Mater Hospital as my husband was working for a company who didn't appreciate family commitment.
So they ask if a student can have a "practise" on me, to see how well she can identify certain things.
"No problems".
First the Student takes a look "They aren't identical, they are in separate sacks...you have a boy and a girl, I think".
Yes, exactly what i ordered...thank you.
Then comes in the Fully qualified specialist. "They are identical they are in one sack with a thin membrane separating them, which is best for this type of twin cos they can't tangle each other, they have their own food supply too, but one can still take all the nutrients so you will have to be monitored every week. (Awesome. Not. I'm only 8wks pregnant)...they have to be the same sex....they are girls." Something resembling the silence of the first notification of Twins takes place with me here. Mum and Dad look at me with contained laughter bursting out of their eyes, making their lips quiver....They knew what I "wanted"...they knew what was going through my head. The Doctor continues to tell me it doesn't mean they will look identical, they could look completely different. and because of the type of twins i am having I now have a 75% chance of having Twins again. Eek!

I called my husband and told him they were identical. He asked about the sex but i told him i didn't know that yet, it was too early. I wanted to see his face when i told him...I knew the names we would use for the Girls as we had previously discussed options and there were two names we were in love with and they both seem equally lovely to me.

I got home and walked straight to my husband, sitting a the computer and introduce our girls, pointing to my right side, "This is Summer" (twin1) "and this is Lily" pointing to my left side (twin 2). He looks at my belly and then up at me with a mixture of awe and disbelief, he says Bulls**t you don't know that, it was too early...I grinned and told him i wanted to see his face. I was right to wait, it was totally worth it. Then we told our little boy, he was 2 at the time. He was really excited at the idea of having 2 sisters. He had a huge smile on his face when we told him.

When i went back to work, i told my co-workers they were Girls, i was surrounded by women, all but one there were cuddles and smiles everywhere. "The Guy" laughed hard, he was so proud of his "Intuition" we all sat down and continued our work....He pops his head over the dividing wall and says, wouldn't it be funny if they've missed one hiding behind them. I just said No and gave him a look that could kill...He didn't mention anything like that again.

Because of the type of Twins we were having we had to visit the Hospital (Not the GP) every week. One week for the scan, the next for the appointment. That was a fun exercise. Why on earth are all the major hospitals located on the hilliest areas in town? With the parking at the bottom of the hill? In December i finished up work and confined myself to the couch and local shops. Painfully biding my time until March.

As February 2011 came to a close the Dr decided, I couldn't have a "V" birth it had to be a caesarean. I fought it all the way to the end but the girls just didn't want to play the game no matter what i tried. One was transverse and the other was in breach. On the 7th March 2011 I went into the local hospital for my booked C-Section. I was terrified, they took me away from my husband and wheeled me into the room to give me the spinal tap. My Doctor was a very nice indian man, who new exactly where i stood on this C-Section, he rubbed my arm asked me how i was and told me everything was going to be just fine. I actually found him to be very reassuring at this point.

It all began so fast putting me in many different positions the woman doing the needle, kept putting it in the same wrong place. Giving me a shot of local, almost everytime she tried it was so painful. I was starting to panic and started to sob and i saw a familiar face, my student midwife who had followed me the whole way through. It helped a little to see a friendly face. I had a nurse infront of me telling me to hunch forward, over my huge bloated stomach and i slipped and accidentally gave him an uppercut to the face....hehehe that did cheer me up a little, very briefly though. They started talking about putting me under. I was going to miss the whole thing!! So was my husband!! OMG am i going to wake up? (Might i add, the worst thing they did was give me a fact sheet on caesarean birth...it totally flipped me out. I think ALOT) Finally success on the last attempt, it had taken forever and the room was full of people about 12 faces i'd never seen before. A nurse asked me if i was ok, i just sobbed, where is my Husband, she left the room and was back with him in an instant. He came straight to me and held my hand. We couldn't see anything the screen was up.

Suddenly a tiny little baby girl was being held against my left shoulder a"This is Summer" and then another on my right, "This is Lily". Finally....They are safe, they are here. I couldn't hold them myself at all. I closed my eyes and tried to pull myself together and a nurse leant in to me and i suddenly felt an overwhelming sense of nausea and was going to throw up i managed to tell her. They whisked the babies away and put something in my drip which instantly took the nausea away. It was unbelievable. They told me they were closing me up, everything went well and my husband was nursing the babies, keeping them warm.
When i finally came out of the room to my husband and babies, this was the first thing I saw.

What a view, A lovely nurse captured this memory for us.

(Left to Right)

Lily, Daddy & Summer

After a few hours of recooperating we had Sean come in and meet his little sisters. They had bought him a little present, A small Action Chugger figure. He was in love, i was up there for four days and he had it the whole time we were there. Mum said he never let it go, even at home.

(Ignore the Ogre sitting beside him, pregnancy isn't very becoming on me)

 Summer, Sean, Lily & Me

Summer & Lily

Excuse Me while i try to put my five million thoughts into words...

Where to begin....2010 is a really good start. My life was in a rutt. I was working for my family business. A Job i actually enjoyed but was at a point where i needed a new challenge and at that point in my life i had been in the same place for too long, i was not in a happy work environment. Finally the GFC had taken its toll on the company finances and I was told to find another job asap.
After a month of looking, in May 2010, I accidentally stumbled into the corporate world...OMG, i was in heaven, business lunches and breakfasts, Hotel Functions (being in hospitality when  i was 17-21, i got so sick of being the person serving at the functions, i developed a secret and fierce detemination, to one day be the person attending the corporate function instead of serving at it)....I MADE IT! Small goal but big for my 20yr old self.
My Boss loved me, we had an instant connection and I did with my fellow colleagues, I think workwise, i found my happy place, my boss wanted to train me in her job, She was the credit manager for Qld for a Huge Global company...Big opportunity for me. We were always laughing and my co-workers said that i livened up the place and they didn't know how they managed without me. My boss would joke of how the next female she would employ would have to have already gone through 'the change' so there would be no disruptions.
6wks into my employment i found out i was pregnant........crap! I AM so happy but...How do i break this news to her...So i stand in her doorway to her office and tell her i need to speak to her, and i'm frozen to the spot, i open my mouth but words just fail me. It must have been a good 15seconds before she looked up with a "Well?" look... So i just rip the bandaid off and blurt it out, "I'm pregnant"...She was thrilled for me, she went all mushy. My theory is the tough girl thing is mostly an act...Then, i go tell my colleagues and one of them, "The Guy" bursts out laughing an announces, "You're going to have twins"
A few day later i go for my scan, i find out we are 6wks pregnant, the lady doing the ultrasound is frowning and not telling us anything, my husband is on the floor keeping our 2yr old busy playing with his trains. I lift my head off the pillow and finally say to her, can you tell me whats going on, you're frowning and its freaking me out, (Here's me thinking, OMG its a phantom pregnancy or something), she smirks and finally opens her mouth, um...i'm pretty sure there's two in there, It's twins...
TWINS!!!...it is Twins!...CRAP!!!
I look down at my husband and he is beaming with pride and excitement.... But Honestly, my first reaction is silience and i put my head back down on the pillow and stare at the ceiling, my thoughts are, Twins....money....childcare fees....there goes the career, I will have to stay at home, OMG this will change my life forever...OMG teenage girls!!! please God don't let it be twin girls, i'm so in love with my little boy, i want another Boy. A Boy and Girl would be perfect (what an idiot, as if i had a choice LOL)
My next thought is, i need to whack my co-worker across the back of the head. (Dont get me wrong, this news was totally awesome but at this point, i;m trying to get my head around so much new information i thought i was going to melt down). Even knowing my Father In Law was an identical twin, it still never occurred to me that it might happen to us. But we don't know what type they are. The Clinic i was at could not identify the type. (Due to incompetence, i'm later to find out, the earlier in the pregnancy the easier to detect). After 3 different clinics i am given an appointment for the Mater Hospital Specialist.