Life and Death

As soon as I was aware and in my own room (with my husband) I was able to properly meet my girls, I promptly pulled their (double) hospital cot to my bedside, I looked in at them and stroked each of their faces, one at a time. It was then that it occurred to me that I had asked for this. I remembered that when I was a little girl I used to look up to the sky and ask God for twins….Huh… Funny.  I couldn’t bear to just look anymore, so… (against Doctor’s orders)I scooped them both up. One in each arm, I leant back into my pillow and just studied them… they were so small and peaceful. I immediately fell in love. All of those worries and concerns just melted away, how silly was I. They were so beautiful, just perfect and now I had to find distinguishing characteristics so I could tell them apart. There was the tiniest difference in the shape of their ears and their heads were a different shape but only just. I realised early that I couldn’t rely on that alone, what about photos? (And I have a handful now, looking back on, I don’t know who is who). Colour coding and specific clothing is the only chance I have at this point. So we know in all the hospital pics, Summer has the pink hat, Lily has the White. I never wanted to dress them the same anyway, I always thought, they are different people and I’m sure they will like to know who is who in photos in the future. I thought why would I buy two sets of the same clothes, what a waste of money. But as it turns out, with my “specific clothing” system, I’m buying just as many anyway.

As the Mother of Twins, let me tell you, there is NOTHING funny about the thought of mixing them up. NOTHING. AT. ALL. For those people (and you know who you are J) who say, “Wouldn’t it be funny if…?” Umm, NO! The very thought of it makes me anxious, to me, it would mean I’ve failed them. Maybe a little melodramatic, but a part of who I am is; I think a lot. About everything, every little detail. Imagine you went to pick up your child from daycare and you didn’t know who she/he was. Don’t you think that would be hurtful to your child? You’re their Mother. Mothers are just supposed to know. Moving on…

When my Son came up to meet them he was all smiles, his little Sisters had finally arrived. He knew they were Summer and Lily and when he found out they had bought a little Action Chugger with them, just for him, he was taken, hook, line and sinker. My Mother looked after him while I was in hospital and my husband continued to work. There was no need for him to take time off work, he wouldn’t be paid because of the awesome place he was working at, at the time (now where’s that sarcasm button) and he couldn’t be with me at the hospital all the time anyway. I would need help once I came home. Mum said Sean never let the Action Chugger go, it was with him at all times. How sweet is that?

As it turns out I came home a little early, I think it was the 4th day after the C-Section. I was fooled into thinking I was more mobile than I actually was, due to the hospital bed helping me get in and out of bed with all its lifting and tilting. So, when I came home, (and Sean did too) I needed my Husband to bring me everything,  from water to the twins, to pull me up off the couch and help me back down, same with bedtime. Seriously, it was ridiculous. He cooked, he cleaned, he washed, he tended to all the children and he took every request and just did it for me.  He even completely organised our Son’s birthday party which was 1wk after the twins were born. (We felt Sean deserved a little extra special attention at that time). I was in awe of my husband just taking the reins like that. He was smitten to say the least. We were (and still are) deeply in love; we have a wonderful little boy that just lights up any room he’s in and two little angels for Daddy to protect. I’m so happy right now, I think my heart might explode.

But ALAS…

As MY life becomes full and happy and I slide into a blissful state of contentment; two months fly by with visitors from interstate coming up to meet our new editions and secure plans for a secret birthday celebration we would be attending interstate.  A very special and close someone falls into a deep and dark spiral of depression.  It went so fast and full on. We knew there were ongoing issues, we’d tried to help with, but we didn’t know the full story, we were all told different pieces and when we were all brought together that is when we realised it must have been far worse than any of us had thought. When someone falls into depression and adds medication and then alcohol. There is nothing you can do or say to reach them. That is my experience. You can only be there to listen when they want to talk and be there to help when they want support and hope and pray they come through the other side. We couldn't reach her.

It was strange when it happened. We are all usually scattered to the four corners, but on that eve. We were all in town, we all had dinner together, she called to check in and I stayed over with the kids. I NEVER stay over. The call came early in the morning and I woke to the news a little later….devastation and disbelief consumed me. It never occurred to me that this could happen. To us. To her. She was so full of love and joy and excitement, she was so kind, I loved her so much, WE loved her so much... I had to cancel my lunch date and I think I texted it, I couldn’t speak yet. It was a whirlwind after that. Family and planning and memories and pictures everywhere. Disbelief and pain was in everyone’s face.

My two very dearest friends accompanied me to the funeral, to look after the babies, to hold my hand, to watch me (make sure I was okay) and just to be there for love and support. They knew her, they knew what she meant. I tell you what; you know you have some extraordinary and irreplaceable friends when they just sit with you…for that. I did sit with my Mum though, we needed to be together for this…A few eulogies were given, then I got up and gave my eulogy…I just felt if she was looking down she needed to know how much she was loved. I wanted people to remember who she was, not who she became…That is an important thing to remember. I never spoke at my Nanna’s funeral and I have always regretted it, she was a great Nanna and I never said it. I knew I loved this woman just as much but I really knew her and I was going to say it. Out Loud.

At the end of the funeral, we each placed a flower on the coffin. The service ended and we left the church. I looked around, I was surrounded, I had my relatives, my parents, my closest friends, my husband and children with me. I was thinking, It’s okay, I will be okay, we will be okay. We will always miss her, always miss her presence. Always feel her absence at any gathering. How could we not, she WAS the life of the party. She was always the first person I looked for when I arrived at any family gathering and now she is gone. How could you not miss that person?

I think it is much harder to let someone go when you know they didn’t go because of natural causes. It’s been almost 10 months and I still miss her every day, I see the girls do something and I think, she should’ve been here for that, I should’ve been able to call her and tell her about it…I should be able to tell her how much Sean loves his Sisters and tell her about Sean’s first day at Kindy.

I should’ve grabbed the phone that night and told her to come home, to come be with us…I thought about it at the time, when she was on the phone but I just didn’t. She never met them. I can’t change that.

I HATE REGRET.

I will continue to remember, love and miss her but In the end, we all move forward; and we are. I am very fortunate to have three beautiful little distractions to focus on, a wonderful hubby, an excellent relationship with my parents and the closest friends who are like Sisters to me. I know I am loved and I know how lucky I am to have the people I have in my life.

xxKristy