Just keep swimming....

Yesterday

This week i hit the 8wk mark at the gym. That means its time for an assessment. I'm feeling great. My skin is clearer, my hair isn't dry and my body shape has changed. I can wear clothes from my cupboard that didn't fit or suit my shape before. I can feel my body firming up from inside and I'm really firm on my feet. I'm in my happy place and i feel on top of the world.

The results of this assessment however did NOT reflect the way i felt ..I have gained weight!! Just under 2kgs. My waist is down 2cms and my body fat percentage is down slightly but everything else is bigger ....I'm only talking a few millimetres but still, bigger!? So my Gym Guy and I talked about what to do next, he was very concerned and confused for me. He knows I've been trying hard, I've been there almost everyday since i started. I was utterly heartbroken and it was pretty obvious. We discussed me filling out a food journal and he will write me a new program and check that I'm pushing myself hard enough or at least, the right way.

On the way out of the assessment room, i ran into a Mother from Sean's kindy. Last year she was my weight and she, through the gym and watching what she eats, has lost 30kgs. She looks fantastic! You would never guess to look at her. She knew what i was there for and after I told her she gave me a quick pep talk. She's told me her story before and reminded me that it took her over 8weeks before anything happened and then it just started dropping away, she told me not to give up and gave my arm a friendly pat. At this point i nearly lost it. I turned to walk down the stairs and saw my Gym Guy was waiting, watching us, listening to us. I felt embarrassed by my results, sort of humiliated which left me feeling really sensitive. Watching me as i trudged sulkily down the stairs he smiled but tilted his head with a concerned look. (he had THAT look guys get, at the wrong time, you know the one that says, oh no, is she going to cry?) Now there is nothing nasty about this guy, he's great but to be honest I got  a bit defensive, "What?!" I snapped at him...oops. He just said unfazed, "I can see your upset, we'll sort it out". I couldn't comment i was this close to losing it. I just politely smiled and silently followed him to the front desk to make an appointment for next week, to start anew...

I couldn't face the gym after that, i was just too low. He went into the staff room and I grabbed my shit and bolted for the door. I just couldn't do it. I passed him on my way out, he saw me too. Shit. He yelled goodbye after me and i yelled back but didn't stop. When i got into my car, i let go...

Today

Today i started anew, I've had my sulk. Get your shit together and keep going, don't give up, that's how you got here. I was a little embarrassed to see Gym Guy after my little spat and sook but...what are you going to do? I'm not running scared, I love this! I feel great, I'm happier, I have guidance, motivation and support all around me. My body is waking up from a 10yr Coma, I have a lot of work to do.  I don't want my girls to think this is ok to be this weight, it has affected my immensley.

For lots of reasons, for lots of people but mostly for me and for my kids....I WILL do this.


THIS IS A MARATHON NOT A RACE!
thanks Kate and Steve xx

Addictive Personalities?

I am no Doctor and i won't pretend to be. But. I think its fair to say, throughout the generations, various family members, have suffered from addictive and (dare i say it?) dark personalities. Lately,in the last 3 months. I feel the darkness creeping up on me. At THAT time of month.  I have been spiralling deeper and darker with each passing month. It has made me question everything about my life as it stands. Doubting everything i have and everything i've done. I thought i was really lost this last month. It really scared me and I think my husband.

Thank fully, I have paid attention to those loved ones around me, who have suffered our lovely family history of, er, mental stabitilty.(Yes, sarcasm at play) and I know I have an addictive personality. But. I have vowed NOT to follow in anyone's footsteps. Since my Son was born I have changed alot and as he is now aware of what goes on around him, I have changed even more, for the better. I am setting out a new path for my children to follow. I will not drink, I will not take Drugs and if i need help, I WILL ask for it.

I have discovered the Gym. I have been before of course, but not like this. This is different. If i can make this my addiction, then i know i will be safe. I feel great after going, bubbly even.  I'm no going just to lose weight, though of course it is a goal. I am going to make myself stronger and fitter and happier and its already happening. Having the 3 kids, it is giving me an opportunity to have some time to get into my own head and think.  I think it will help with that darkness i feel tapping at my shoulder. So far, it is helping us...very well. Jonathon has joined now too and it seems to be making him much happier too. We are talking about the future now and trying to sort out new goals for our new lifestyle.

A New Chapter......

Easily Forgotten

Sometimes its easy to forget just how important those who are involved in our lives really are. Its easy to forget that pain of loss when they pass. Maybe because its a pain we try to let go of. Its easy to forget to have compassion and patience and understanding for someone who is suffering so much from the loss of their loved one. My friend lost her husband, who was a great friend of mine 4months ago and I can't even begin to explain or understand the depth of her devastation. I am Thankful to him, for bringing her into my life. Proof that good things can come out of a bad situation, she has become a good friend.

I came across my Goodbye/Eulogy for my Aunt. I talked about her passing in a previous post Life and Death and seeing as Tuesday was her birthday (she would have been 57) and I was thinking about her, I thought I would share it.  Our beloved Donna passed away 1yr, 3months and 11days ago.

I will always remember Donna smiling, when I picture her, that is what I see.  She’s dancing, smiling and laughing.

I am so grateful for the memories I have:
I loved to hear Mum and Donna recall family holidays and other random memories; it was so funny to me because it’d be a lovely trip down memory lane until they each remembered a significant moment very differently and they would start squabbling about it and end in a huff of frustration. There would be silence for a moment and then they’d look at each other and end up laughing.

I loved to hear her laugh; it was so infectious somewhere between a cackle and a chuckle and always ended with a sigh (almost an instant reflection of what had made her laugh).

Donna lived around Charters Towers and Mt Isa when I was little and I only saw her maybe twice a year at Nanna’s.  When she moved back to Brisbane I was about 17yrs old and Mum was excited to have her sister back so near, we would see her regularly, when I got my drivers license I would visit often  and we grew close and became good friends.
I’ll always remember that you could talk for hours with Donna and never run out of things to say I always enjoyed our talks and now realise just how important the many late night conversations we had around the dinner table were. She was a walking encyclopaedia and I learned something new every time.

I remember sharing her first holiday with her with her new caravan at Kingscliff and how proud and excited she was. It was like she had the world at her feet.

Mum and I often spoke fondly of Donna, Mum always said she would give you the shirt off her back if you needed it and she was extremely generous and supportive, there was nothing she wouldn’t give or do to help out, and if she couldn’t do it, she’d find someone who could. She would always fight for her family and for what was right, no matter what it cost her.

I called Donna sometimes just to talk and catch up but always to share my big news and she would share my excitement, She was always present at family get togethers and important events/milestones in our lives, I always looked forward to seeing her because to me, she was always the life of the party and it will be very difficult not to have her around, her presence will be missed.

Let’s remember Donna for her Love and friendship. For her laughter and her funny sarcastic sense of humour , for her generosity and for her spirit.

Donna was my Aunty and she was an awesome Aunty but also a great friend one of my best friends and she will be missed, we will all miss her.

I still cry for her, I still long for her. Sometimes i get really angry about it. But mostly i just feel that void She's left in my life. I've lost my confidant, My Mother has too. This relationship can never be replaced so that pain of loss will always be there.
But, I have learnt from this.
Appreciate what you have.
Don't hold a grudge, people make mistakes
Apologize, Admit you were wrong, again, people make mistakes
Have patience while people try to navigate their way through their stuff, sometimes its just really hard going.
True Friends ARE just as important as family.
Fight for your friendships when times get tough. Don't just walk away. If they matter to you, fight to be heard.
Sometimes nothing can be said, when you don't have the answers all you can do is listen. That's the most important thing you can do. Be there.
Love them and tell them you love them (family and friends).

Music for the soul

Music is definitely a big part of my life. Much like my children it simply lights my soul. When i was a teenager to a young Adult writing songs helped me work my way through the big issues i was facing in my life at the time. So much raw emotion to work through. I'm not sure i would've made it out the other side without it. What can't music do? Make you happy & sad, make you laugh and cry. Help put into words the inexplicable feelings we all sometimes have,  and create memories that will always stay with you. Music is always there to keep you company.

Since i met (or started dating) my husband my tastes have been extremely widened, he has a mountain of CDs. Other than the chart releases i had never heard Nirvana for example. Most of it is pretty good. I spent much of my misguided youth listening to, dare I say it? Boy Bands.....*CRINGE*. So i've come a loooong way. I grew up with such daggy music, i didn't have a chance and popular music was the biggest form of rebellion in our house.
You should see our CD tower now. It is massive and we still have piles everywhere. I think we need to get rid of them but there are so many memories there. Lets be honest. CDs are a thing of the past.

 I am glad to see my love for music has definitely been passsed down to my children. Seeing Sean's head (4) nodding along, to "appropriate" songs of nirvana and a little AC/DC (compliments of the Iron Man movie). I think, he is already way ahead of the game. He has a little guitar just like Daddy's that he likes to get out and strum on like a rock star. I can't wait to get him some lessons.

Our twins, particularly Summer love to groove to music. Its funny watching a 15month old dance. She just stands there and bounces at varying speeds, Lily just smiles her massive smile and claps and laughs along. I wonder how music will influence their lives. How it will help them.

What have you noticed, that your children have got from you?

School Holiday

I am really looking forward to these school holidays. I love having my kids beside me. They are good kids and i enjoy being with them, I'm just used to it i guess. I'm sure by the end of the second week i will be the first person waiting at the front door of my Son's kindy ready and eager to hand him back in for the 6hr break, as we all know, 4yr olds have well developed their own minds.
With next year hanging over my head, i guess i'm anxious to spend as much time with him, doing as much fun and education things as possible. 
I'm busy researching low cost/free activities for us to enjoy together. I have a few ideas. Might head to the dinosaur exhibit this week and I always wanted to take him to the planetarium or the science centre, he loves learning about space and perhaps a steam train ride.....perhaps. As a 4yr old boy he loves all things, Superhero, dinosaurs and trains. I have also mapped out a few parks i might visit with him. What are your plans for these School Holidays.
Check out this website if you're stuck for ideas. Its great.
http://www.brisbanekids.com.au/

Choosing a School??

Choosing Schools Sucks!!!!! Up until this point, it has always been easy choosing where my Son will go. I have always had good guidance. But what do you do when the guidance takes you somewhere you can't possibly afford?? We can't afford most of the private schools especially when we will have two more there in three years. Most private schools around the area come in at $5k per year in the beginning and go up to $16k by the end and that's just NOW! I've also been informed that those prices rise by 5% each year.
The public schools in our area just simply SUCK! I have been on forum after forum researching and discussing in person with every parent i have ever met in the area since my Son was born 4yrs ago. One school is full of violence, neglectful disciplinary issues, over populated and completely mismanaged and the other i've heard only one bad report about a teacher calling the kids nasty names and no one has taken any action against her....yes, HER! Also it just makes me uneasy, it always has. It's so exposed and so danky looking...how do i go against my gut instinct when its all i have to protect my Son?
We are totally and completely without religion so that doesn't help us make any decisions. I do think its important to learn about religion but which one? And do i want it shoved down my Son's throat before school, before lunch and at home time? I honest feel like i'm going insane. I want to bury my head in the sand...but i can't,

Its all about him. Its all for him

What if they ruin him?

Don't worry, I know i am sounding Crazy right now. I AM on information overload.

Am I over thinking things? How do you choose a school that is right for you?

Sentimental Attachments

Isn't it funny?..The sentimental attachments we develop for our possessions. For me, in this particular case, it was my Nanna's dining table setting. My Mother recently told me that Nanna bought this table second hand when she was young, sanded it back and did it up.....hmm, must run in the family then. I didn't know that little tid-bit originally. My mother and her siblings grew up around this table and then me, my brother and cousins also grew up around it. I remember crawling under it and playing through the weirdly angled legs when i was really little while all my Aunties and Uncles congregated above. My Poppa would sit at "The Head" of the table, as was the custom and My Nanna would sit on the side and I would always try to score the seat between them, to enjoy Nanna's Cooking. We all know Nanna's cooking. It is the best. I remember my cousin used to tell her, "Nanna, you make the best tinned spaghetti." and he'd get this silly grin on his face. It sounded so nuts, we'd all laugh but she had that little extra touch that made everything taste better. She really was a great Nanna. When i scored that wicked position between Nanna and Poppa, i remember Poppa would always distract me, he would tap me on the shoulder, "Look, Whats that over there?" he would say and point across the house. When i would look, he would pinch all my yummy baked potatoes. It would take me a few seconds but when i clued on, i would look at him and he would be silently laughing just waiting for me to click on......Its just such a fond memory. Cheekiness is definitely a strong family trait and it comes from BOTH sides of my family so I never had a chance.
Anyway. Sometime after my Grandparents had passed, I, thanks to my mother was lucky enough to gain possession of this table. We were just starting out and really needed a dining setting. All the memories came flooding back and i was so sentimental about it, it was surreal that it was in my house.
A few years has passed and the sentimental novelty had worn off, a few chairs have gone and the ones that remain are not being used anymore because they are so uncomfortable. The angle from the chair to the seat was 90deg and they were rock hard. We decided we needed a bigger table and decided to sell it. We bought a new, much bigger table and suddenly had a huge storage problem, I checked with my family and it was good to go. so I put it up for sale. SOLD! Ok, finally we will get some space back i thought. The guy comes to pick it up and as he loads it into his car, I lost it. It crept up on me, i wasn't even thinking about it. But it just crept into my thoughts as i watched him tying it down, "that was my table, I grew up around that. My mum did too", and i just cry.
Look i'm not some insane whack job honest. Let me make this clear, i wasn't on my hands and knees begging the guy not to take my table... Screaming out "Whhhhyyyy, Why did i do this!!!??" It was a silent trickle of a few tears that just crept up on me, i said goodbye to the guy and went into the backyard. My husband came out, having heard little sniffles and asked me what was wrong. I just looked at him and laughed. It was a touch embarrassing i'll admit. He just realised on his own and gave me this look like OMG (you know like when you're caught crying in a movie). He reached out a pulled me over and said, "Come 'ere you little shkip" and gave me a hug and rubbed my back...Yep i know, I'm a sook. Right Here. That's ME.
I still have little reminders of my Nanna here. The Rocking chair in the twins room, we use to calm them at night, some costume jewellery, all my pots and pans, i call them "Nanna's Pots" and i think about her every time i pull one out to use and thats almost every day. I like it that way.
Now we have OUR table, one we chose, we can fit 8 comfortably, 10 at a squeeze. Now we've started making our own memories around it. We had our first sleep overs on the weekend and woke up to a house full of people. We made chocolate chip pancakes for all the kids. It was lovely to have a full house in the morning.
But once again, isn't it funny, The sentimental attachments we develop for our possessions?