Finding my Bliss

My son has just started Kindy, he's so proud and he loves it.  2days one week, 3 days the next week. I actually prefer the 2 days. I miss him.....i know, next year will be worse, starting Prep. I love being with my kids.

Watching my Children interact with each other...watching the Twins develop. As Twins and as Individuals and watching my Son's face glow when he's with them. Summer has just started waving and saying hello, she waved at him today and i'm pretty sure his heart skipped a beat.

As i mentioned previously, all my concerns about having Twins did fade away and if i had my choice in the matter, i wouldn't change a thing. They have changed my world. I AM the happiest i have ever been. I am completely smitten with my children, i've noticed i just can't pull myself away from them, I can't stop watching them, studying them. Is this normal or am I alone here?

Okay, so maybe i'm sounding sickly sweet so don't get me wrong, my life is NOT perfect.
I am alone alot, i mean without adult company. I am currently working very hard to develop new friendships and new routines. My friends and I (as they say) are living on parallel lines. While we have the love and adoration for eachother and a strong history which i believe at this point helps keep us together, we are all Mothers and have a hard time getting together. I find it very difficult to make new friends, I find it very hurtful when i reach out and am ignored or brushed aside like i don't matter. I know people are busy but seriously it takes ZERO effort to respond these days. You don't even have to pick up the phone. Maybe all this autonomous technology makes people forget to consider actual real life human feelings. I am outside my comfort zone here, I don't have a thick skin, by any means. I rely on my parents alot, especially my mum, not for help alone but for sanity and companionship, it took us a long time to get here, but we're in a really great place, she is the Nanna to my children, that i remember having. We talk almost everyday. I couldn't live without her. My husband is on afternoon shift and as such we are like ships passing in the night. With little money, few friends available for a visit and twin bubbas to look after, I find myself trapped on the couch...I HATE MY COUCH! I've become a little exhausted from wanting to do things, wanting to go places.

So today, i got off my arse.

The girls went down just before i took Sean to Kindy. Hubby was home. So i dusted off the joggers, got my iphone and headphones and went for a walk. A fast walk...without a pram. It was so freeing, I was soaring, I was in my own headspace, with my own music. I found that spring in my step. I needed a bigger hill to climb, what always seemed so big i conquered so quickly, it was great. I had so much energy when i got home. I hope i can do it again tomorrow. Actually if i can work it right I can ride my bike to Sean's kindy, we have a child seat on the back of it for him, i don't think we've ever used and on Thursday, i am starting Zumba. I'm so looking forward to it, i LOVE Zumba, i was doing classes when i found out i was pregnant, I was going to continue at a steady pace but then i found out it was twins and i couldn't do it anymore. A daytime class, while my husband is home to look after the Twins. Yes!

I can feel the change already. Watch this space.

Kristy xx

Life and Death

As soon as I was aware and in my own room (with my husband) I was able to properly meet my girls, I promptly pulled their (double) hospital cot to my bedside, I looked in at them and stroked each of their faces, one at a time. It was then that it occurred to me that I had asked for this. I remembered that when I was a little girl I used to look up to the sky and ask God for twins….Huh… Funny.  I couldn’t bear to just look anymore, so… (against Doctor’s orders)I scooped them both up. One in each arm, I leant back into my pillow and just studied them… they were so small and peaceful. I immediately fell in love. All of those worries and concerns just melted away, how silly was I. They were so beautiful, just perfect and now I had to find distinguishing characteristics so I could tell them apart. There was the tiniest difference in the shape of their ears and their heads were a different shape but only just. I realised early that I couldn’t rely on that alone, what about photos? (And I have a handful now, looking back on, I don’t know who is who). Colour coding and specific clothing is the only chance I have at this point. So we know in all the hospital pics, Summer has the pink hat, Lily has the White. I never wanted to dress them the same anyway, I always thought, they are different people and I’m sure they will like to know who is who in photos in the future. I thought why would I buy two sets of the same clothes, what a waste of money. But as it turns out, with my “specific clothing” system, I’m buying just as many anyway.

As the Mother of Twins, let me tell you, there is NOTHING funny about the thought of mixing them up. NOTHING. AT. ALL. For those people (and you know who you are J) who say, “Wouldn’t it be funny if…?” Umm, NO! The very thought of it makes me anxious, to me, it would mean I’ve failed them. Maybe a little melodramatic, but a part of who I am is; I think a lot. About everything, every little detail. Imagine you went to pick up your child from daycare and you didn’t know who she/he was. Don’t you think that would be hurtful to your child? You’re their Mother. Mothers are just supposed to know. Moving on…

When my Son came up to meet them he was all smiles, his little Sisters had finally arrived. He knew they were Summer and Lily and when he found out they had bought a little Action Chugger with them, just for him, he was taken, hook, line and sinker. My Mother looked after him while I was in hospital and my husband continued to work. There was no need for him to take time off work, he wouldn’t be paid because of the awesome place he was working at, at the time (now where’s that sarcasm button) and he couldn’t be with me at the hospital all the time anyway. I would need help once I came home. Mum said Sean never let the Action Chugger go, it was with him at all times. How sweet is that?

As it turns out I came home a little early, I think it was the 4th day after the C-Section. I was fooled into thinking I was more mobile than I actually was, due to the hospital bed helping me get in and out of bed with all its lifting and tilting. So, when I came home, (and Sean did too) I needed my Husband to bring me everything,  from water to the twins, to pull me up off the couch and help me back down, same with bedtime. Seriously, it was ridiculous. He cooked, he cleaned, he washed, he tended to all the children and he took every request and just did it for me.  He even completely organised our Son’s birthday party which was 1wk after the twins were born. (We felt Sean deserved a little extra special attention at that time). I was in awe of my husband just taking the reins like that. He was smitten to say the least. We were (and still are) deeply in love; we have a wonderful little boy that just lights up any room he’s in and two little angels for Daddy to protect. I’m so happy right now, I think my heart might explode.

But ALAS…

As MY life becomes full and happy and I slide into a blissful state of contentment; two months fly by with visitors from interstate coming up to meet our new editions and secure plans for a secret birthday celebration we would be attending interstate.  A very special and close someone falls into a deep and dark spiral of depression.  It went so fast and full on. We knew there were ongoing issues, we’d tried to help with, but we didn’t know the full story, we were all told different pieces and when we were all brought together that is when we realised it must have been far worse than any of us had thought. When someone falls into depression and adds medication and then alcohol. There is nothing you can do or say to reach them. That is my experience. You can only be there to listen when they want to talk and be there to help when they want support and hope and pray they come through the other side. We couldn't reach her.

It was strange when it happened. We are all usually scattered to the four corners, but on that eve. We were all in town, we all had dinner together, she called to check in and I stayed over with the kids. I NEVER stay over. The call came early in the morning and I woke to the news a little later….devastation and disbelief consumed me. It never occurred to me that this could happen. To us. To her. She was so full of love and joy and excitement, she was so kind, I loved her so much, WE loved her so much... I had to cancel my lunch date and I think I texted it, I couldn’t speak yet. It was a whirlwind after that. Family and planning and memories and pictures everywhere. Disbelief and pain was in everyone’s face.

My two very dearest friends accompanied me to the funeral, to look after the babies, to hold my hand, to watch me (make sure I was okay) and just to be there for love and support. They knew her, they knew what she meant. I tell you what; you know you have some extraordinary and irreplaceable friends when they just sit with you…for that. I did sit with my Mum though, we needed to be together for this…A few eulogies were given, then I got up and gave my eulogy…I just felt if she was looking down she needed to know how much she was loved. I wanted people to remember who she was, not who she became…That is an important thing to remember. I never spoke at my Nanna’s funeral and I have always regretted it, she was a great Nanna and I never said it. I knew I loved this woman just as much but I really knew her and I was going to say it. Out Loud.

At the end of the funeral, we each placed a flower on the coffin. The service ended and we left the church. I looked around, I was surrounded, I had my relatives, my parents, my closest friends, my husband and children with me. I was thinking, It’s okay, I will be okay, we will be okay. We will always miss her, always miss her presence. Always feel her absence at any gathering. How could we not, she WAS the life of the party. She was always the first person I looked for when I arrived at any family gathering and now she is gone. How could you not miss that person?

I think it is much harder to let someone go when you know they didn’t go because of natural causes. It’s been almost 10 months and I still miss her every day, I see the girls do something and I think, she should’ve been here for that, I should’ve been able to call her and tell her about it…I should be able to tell her how much Sean loves his Sisters and tell her about Sean’s first day at Kindy.

I should’ve grabbed the phone that night and told her to come home, to come be with us…I thought about it at the time, when she was on the phone but I just didn’t. She never met them. I can’t change that.

I HATE REGRET.

I will continue to remember, love and miss her but In the end, we all move forward; and we are. I am very fortunate to have three beautiful little distractions to focus on, a wonderful hubby, an excellent relationship with my parents and the closest friends who are like Sisters to me. I know I am loved and I know how lucky I am to have the people I have in my life.

xxKristy

Continued....

I called my parents and told them, its a funny thing, my Mother had told my Father she thought we were going to have twins, such a random thought, maybe something to do with Mothers' Intuition? She was giggling like a school girl when we told her. She was so happy, its indescribable.

My Mother In Law was much the same, She told me she was sorry to have laid the "Crain Curse" upon me...As it turns out, i always knew my father in law was an identical twin, but that was all I knew. NOW THE TRUTH COMES OUT. As it turns out, HIS father's father was an identical twin and his sister also had identical twins. (As i tell the Doctors this, they all say its not genetic.....yeah ok, there's alot of coincidence here).

I called my nearest and dearest friends, I said,"i am 6wks and 3 days"
"oh yeah not far along" they say.
I continue, "AND 6wks and 4days"...utter silience follows on the other end of the phone. Then the penny drops, I get a shrill and excited, "WHHAAAAAAAAAATTTT.....OH MY GODDDDD, YOU'RE HAVING TWINS!!!"theres a bit of squealing and laughing as the conversations continue. Now my excitement was kicking into gear and my fears started fading to the background.

When i got back to work i had to tell my Boss. "Its Twins!!" She was ecstatic for me, congratulating me and then i hear, "The Guy" laughing at his desk, he'd overheard me. And when i turn to go to my desk he says, "haha told you....do you know what they are?"
"No, not yet." I replied
"Haha they're gonna be girls" he says.
I smiled and said "Shut up! Don't wish that on me, you've done enough, wishing Twins on me".

A few weeks later My parents came with me to the Mater Hospital as my husband was working for a company who didn't appreciate family commitment.
So they ask if a student can have a "practise" on me, to see how well she can identify certain things.
"No problems".
First the Student takes a look "They aren't identical, they are in separate sacks...you have a boy and a girl, I think".
Yes, exactly what i ordered...thank you.
Then comes in the Fully qualified specialist. "They are identical they are in one sack with a thin membrane separating them, which is best for this type of twin cos they can't tangle each other, they have their own food supply too, but one can still take all the nutrients so you will have to be monitored every week. (Awesome. Not. I'm only 8wks pregnant)...they have to be the same sex....they are girls." Something resembling the silence of the first notification of Twins takes place with me here. Mum and Dad look at me with contained laughter bursting out of their eyes, making their lips quiver....They knew what I "wanted"...they knew what was going through my head. The Doctor continues to tell me it doesn't mean they will look identical, they could look completely different. and because of the type of twins i am having I now have a 75% chance of having Twins again. Eek!

I called my husband and told him they were identical. He asked about the sex but i told him i didn't know that yet, it was too early. I wanted to see his face when i told him...I knew the names we would use for the Girls as we had previously discussed options and there were two names we were in love with and they both seem equally lovely to me.

I got home and walked straight to my husband, sitting a the computer and introduce our girls, pointing to my right side, "This is Summer" (twin1) "and this is Lily" pointing to my left side (twin 2). He looks at my belly and then up at me with a mixture of awe and disbelief, he says Bulls**t you don't know that, it was too early...I grinned and told him i wanted to see his face. I was right to wait, it was totally worth it. Then we told our little boy, he was 2 at the time. He was really excited at the idea of having 2 sisters. He had a huge smile on his face when we told him.

When i went back to work, i told my co-workers they were Girls, i was surrounded by women, all but one there were cuddles and smiles everywhere. "The Guy" laughed hard, he was so proud of his "Intuition" we all sat down and continued our work....He pops his head over the dividing wall and says, wouldn't it be funny if they've missed one hiding behind them. I just said No and gave him a look that could kill...He didn't mention anything like that again.

Because of the type of Twins we were having we had to visit the Hospital (Not the GP) every week. One week for the scan, the next for the appointment. That was a fun exercise. Why on earth are all the major hospitals located on the hilliest areas in town? With the parking at the bottom of the hill? In December i finished up work and confined myself to the couch and local shops. Painfully biding my time until March.

As February 2011 came to a close the Dr decided, I couldn't have a "V" birth it had to be a caesarean. I fought it all the way to the end but the girls just didn't want to play the game no matter what i tried. One was transverse and the other was in breach. On the 7th March 2011 I went into the local hospital for my booked C-Section. I was terrified, they took me away from my husband and wheeled me into the room to give me the spinal tap. My Doctor was a very nice indian man, who new exactly where i stood on this C-Section, he rubbed my arm asked me how i was and told me everything was going to be just fine. I actually found him to be very reassuring at this point.

It all began so fast putting me in many different positions the woman doing the needle, kept putting it in the same wrong place. Giving me a shot of local, almost everytime she tried it was so painful. I was starting to panic and started to sob and i saw a familiar face, my student midwife who had followed me the whole way through. It helped a little to see a friendly face. I had a nurse infront of me telling me to hunch forward, over my huge bloated stomach and i slipped and accidentally gave him an uppercut to the face....hehehe that did cheer me up a little, very briefly though. They started talking about putting me under. I was going to miss the whole thing!! So was my husband!! OMG am i going to wake up? (Might i add, the worst thing they did was give me a fact sheet on caesarean birth...it totally flipped me out. I think ALOT) Finally success on the last attempt, it had taken forever and the room was full of people about 12 faces i'd never seen before. A nurse asked me if i was ok, i just sobbed, where is my Husband, she left the room and was back with him in an instant. He came straight to me and held my hand. We couldn't see anything the screen was up.

Suddenly a tiny little baby girl was being held against my left shoulder a"This is Summer" and then another on my right, "This is Lily". Finally....They are safe, they are here. I couldn't hold them myself at all. I closed my eyes and tried to pull myself together and a nurse leant in to me and i suddenly felt an overwhelming sense of nausea and was going to throw up i managed to tell her. They whisked the babies away and put something in my drip which instantly took the nausea away. It was unbelievable. They told me they were closing me up, everything went well and my husband was nursing the babies, keeping them warm.
When i finally came out of the room to my husband and babies, this was the first thing I saw.

What a view, A lovely nurse captured this memory for us.

(Left to Right)

Lily, Daddy & Summer

After a few hours of recooperating we had Sean come in and meet his little sisters. They had bought him a little present, A small Action Chugger figure. He was in love, i was up there for four days and he had it the whole time we were there. Mum said he never let it go, even at home.

(Ignore the Ogre sitting beside him, pregnancy isn't very becoming on me)

 Summer, Sean, Lily & Me

Summer & Lily

Excuse Me while i try to put my five million thoughts into words...

Where to begin....2010 is a really good start. My life was in a rutt. I was working for my family business. A Job i actually enjoyed but was at a point where i needed a new challenge and at that point in my life i had been in the same place for too long, i was not in a happy work environment. Finally the GFC had taken its toll on the company finances and I was told to find another job asap.
After a month of looking, in May 2010, I accidentally stumbled into the corporate world...OMG, i was in heaven, business lunches and breakfasts, Hotel Functions (being in hospitality when  i was 17-21, i got so sick of being the person serving at the functions, i developed a secret and fierce detemination, to one day be the person attending the corporate function instead of serving at it)....I MADE IT! Small goal but big for my 20yr old self.
My Boss loved me, we had an instant connection and I did with my fellow colleagues, I think workwise, i found my happy place, my boss wanted to train me in her job, She was the credit manager for Qld for a Huge Global company...Big opportunity for me. We were always laughing and my co-workers said that i livened up the place and they didn't know how they managed without me. My boss would joke of how the next female she would employ would have to have already gone through 'the change' so there would be no disruptions.
6wks into my employment i found out i was pregnant........crap! I AM so happy but...How do i break this news to her...So i stand in her doorway to her office and tell her i need to speak to her, and i'm frozen to the spot, i open my mouth but words just fail me. It must have been a good 15seconds before she looked up with a "Well?" look... So i just rip the bandaid off and blurt it out, "I'm pregnant"...She was thrilled for me, she went all mushy. My theory is the tough girl thing is mostly an act...Then, i go tell my colleagues and one of them, "The Guy" bursts out laughing an announces, "You're going to have twins"
A few day later i go for my scan, i find out we are 6wks pregnant, the lady doing the ultrasound is frowning and not telling us anything, my husband is on the floor keeping our 2yr old busy playing with his trains. I lift my head off the pillow and finally say to her, can you tell me whats going on, you're frowning and its freaking me out, (Here's me thinking, OMG its a phantom pregnancy or something), she smirks and finally opens her mouth, um...i'm pretty sure there's two in there, It's twins...
TWINS!!!...it is Twins!...CRAP!!!
I look down at my husband and he is beaming with pride and excitement.... But Honestly, my first reaction is silience and i put my head back down on the pillow and stare at the ceiling, my thoughts are, Twins....money....childcare fees....there goes the career, I will have to stay at home, OMG this will change my life forever...OMG teenage girls!!! please God don't let it be twin girls, i'm so in love with my little boy, i want another Boy. A Boy and Girl would be perfect (what an idiot, as if i had a choice LOL)
My next thought is, i need to whack my co-worker across the back of the head. (Dont get me wrong, this news was totally awesome but at this point, i;m trying to get my head around so much new information i thought i was going to melt down). Even knowing my Father In Law was an identical twin, it still never occurred to me that it might happen to us. But we don't know what type they are. The Clinic i was at could not identify the type. (Due to incompetence, i'm later to find out, the earlier in the pregnancy the easier to detect). After 3 different clinics i am given an appointment for the Mater Hospital Specialist.